In early 1989, Hong Kong martial-arts film star and all-around ambassador for goofy guys, Jackie Chan, was filming his blockbuster hit, Police Condor 4. During filming, Chan was supposed to have his face smashed through a wall of spaghetti by a generic white guy, played by Finnish expatriate Aho Varalainenenenen. The Finn accidentally pushed Chan through ass-first, necessitating several stitches for the goofy star. Chan was quoted in the press as saying, "Just like a Finn, huh? Can't tell a head from an ass." Chan thought nothing more of the comment, as he returned to his master plan of making Hollywood films with wisecracking black guys.
The comment reached the tabloids in Finland, where it was promptly forgotten. Or it would have been, had it not been for Finland's Prime Minister, Jaarvi Sunilalalalalala. Sunilalalalalala, a former circus fire eater who had mistakenly served in Parliament after a man with the same name had been elected, was determined to distract the nation from the rampant corruption that had brought Finland to a standstill since he had taken office three weeks earlier.
Before a confused Parliament, the Prime Minister declared Chan's comment an outrage and an affront to Finnish virility. He demanded an immediate apology from the Chinese government, and received one. Sunilalalalalala threw the Chinese telegram to the floor of Parliament, called the apology, "half-hearted, and filled with misspellings," and called for war with China. Despite being shouted down, he declared that troops were already on their way. He refused to be swayed by those who pointed out that Chan's home of Hong Kong belonged to the British.
In the Arctic Ocean, a Finnish tugboat, the Keke Rosberg, received the order to open fire on the first Chinese ship they saw. They soon caught sight of the Yokosuke Princess, a cruise ship that had drifted dangerously off course, and inadvertently launched a war between Finland and Japan.
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