World War III--Buttering Up the Voters

As the United States Presidential Primary elections wound down in the late spring of 1988, many voters were restless. The Republican's initial enthusiasm for Vice-President George Bush had waned after a biting interview with CBS reporter Dan Rather left Bush whimpering and pleading for mercy. Despite calls to step down from the ticket, Bush brazenly declared, "I'm not a pussy! Really!" Few were convinced.

On the Democratic side, diminutive Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis lost support after declaring that he would not only refuse to imprison a gang of skinheads if they happened to gangrape his wife, he'd get them all coffee and cigarettes afterwards.

With so many faux pas committed by the two major candidates, the field seemed ripe for a third party candidate. An attempt was made to draft television star Ted Knight to run; however, Knight's death two years earlier made a run unlikely. The Who's bassist John Entwistle considered running, until he was reminded he was not eligible under the Constitution, or even remotely qualified to serve.

Soon, the third party efforts coalesced around one man. Popcorn magnate Orville Reddenbacher had been rumored as a candidate for years, in connection with both parties. His business acumen, sound judgement, experience in life or death decision making, and general machismo had made him a more than attractive candidatefor numerous state and national offices. Reddenbacher had refused all previous offers. "I want the Oval Office or nothing!" he had declared in one interview. In another, he had argued, "I don't want to be beholden to either party. I'm no one's bitch."

By early summer, polls had Reddenbacher at more than 40% should he run, ahead of the two major candidates. In June, the businessman announced, "I'll run if my company's sales double this month. Otherwise, forget it." By the end of the month, Reddenbacher sales had nearly tripled. Bolstered by this seeming outpouring of support, Reddenbacher formally announced his candidacy. He energized voters by declaring, "When the shit goes down, you better have someone in the White House who knows the feeling of seeing his hands awash in the blood of his enemies!" Spokesmen claimed Reddenbacher was misquoted, but his poll numbers continued to improve.

When it came time to select a running mate, Reddenbacher tried to deflect the issue. "I really don't want to share the stage with anyone. If I'd done that in business, I'd be dead now." However, one suggestion finally appealed to him. When he announced Cathy Rigby as his running mate, no one could have predicted that the fate of the world would one day rest on her tiny shoulders.

The Astonishingly Incomplete History of World War III--Introduction.

Of all the wars in history, few provoke as much controversy and confusion as World War III. The Hitler War? Yawn. Pretty cut and dried, overall. That first World War nobody cares about? Big deal. "Hey, we all built up these huge armies, we're gonna have to have a war at some point." Any child of three can understand those wars, and don't think I'm lying. No, it's a war like World War III that takes real balls to understand. (Huh?)

For those who lived through the war, so many decades ago, it all seems like a strange nightmare, filled with twisted apparitions and multiple bedwettings. Some moderately credible scientists have claimed that no one human mind can comprehend the myriad causes of the Third World War. Here, in this multi-part series, we'll examine some of the causes and major events of the War. However, this is by necessity incomplete. To give a full account of this remarkable period in history would take over 4 million posts!! Well, that may just be a guess.

In this series, we'll pay special attention to the personalities of the major figures of the War. For most readers, the events of World War III were so long ago that the names which were once seared into the world's consciousness have now faded into the mists of time. It is the author's hope that the nearly ancient days of the late 1980's-early 1990's will live again for the reader.

In the next post, we'll examine the first pivotal event which signaled the march to war--the U.S. Presidential election of 1988. We'll witness the unexpected rise to power of America's most controversial president, a man beloved by some for his toughness, derided by others as a warmonger--President Orville Reddenbacher.

Don't I Have Anything Better to do With My Time?

Gentle Readers, welcome to the revived version of this blog. The original was abandoned due to a lack of interest on the part of both the writer and his readers, whoever they were. But now, like all great projects, a new wave of boredom has inspired me to pick up pen again--well, not a pen, there's no pens at all being used to write this, it's all on a computer. I was just trying to sound pretentious. It won't happen again.

As I was saying, new found ennui and a desire to make my mark as a writer have again inflamed the desire in my bosom to become--

Damn, did it again. I need to see somebody about that. Know anyone who treats people for pretentious assitude?

To keep it simple, I thought up some more silly crap about fake historical events, and I'm going to write them as practice. I also hope someone might notice my writing and offer me a job. Perhaps I'll be plucked from obscurity and dropped in the lap of Dame Fortune, where--

Shit!