Well, this was a bad idea, wasn't it? I definitely bit off way more than I could chew here. There's no way I could have made this coherant and entertaining. There would have been far too many names and dates for readers to rememeber. Maybe this could have worked in a book, but it still would have been a huge challenge.
Anyway, I just didn't have enough good ideas to keep this going. There's really only two things I didn't get to that had any promise:
1. Snoopy recalled to active duty, in the hope that his WWI experience fighting the Red Baron would come in handy, and
2. Margaret Thatcher putting Nigel Mansell in charge of the Royal Army, and Mansell complaining that every battle was much more difficult than it really was.
No one was reading this blog, but if some archaeologist finds this at some distant future date, at least I gave a reason for being a big quitter.
Meanwhile, my friends, you can check out the new blog I'm starting soon, America's Notspots. I guarantee it'll be funnier than this crap, and have I ever lied to you before?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
World War III--Legend of Racist Master
In early 1989, Hong Kong martial-arts film star and all-around ambassador for goofy guys, Jackie Chan, was filming his blockbuster hit, Police Condor 4. During filming, Chan was supposed to have his face smashed through a wall of spaghetti by a generic white guy, played by Finnish expatriate Aho Varalainenenenen. The Finn accidentally pushed Chan through ass-first, necessitating several stitches for the goofy star. Chan was quoted in the press as saying, "Just like a Finn, huh? Can't tell a head from an ass." Chan thought nothing more of the comment, as he returned to his master plan of making Hollywood films with wisecracking black guys.
The comment reached the tabloids in Finland, where it was promptly forgotten. Or it would have been, had it not been for Finland's Prime Minister, Jaarvi Sunilalalalalala. Sunilalalalalala, a former circus fire eater who had mistakenly served in Parliament after a man with the same name had been elected, was determined to distract the nation from the rampant corruption that had brought Finland to a standstill since he had taken office three weeks earlier.
Before a confused Parliament, the Prime Minister declared Chan's comment an outrage and an affront to Finnish virility. He demanded an immediate apology from the Chinese government, and received one. Sunilalalalalala threw the Chinese telegram to the floor of Parliament, called the apology, "half-hearted, and filled with misspellings," and called for war with China. Despite being shouted down, he declared that troops were already on their way. He refused to be swayed by those who pointed out that Chan's home of Hong Kong belonged to the British.
In the Arctic Ocean, a Finnish tugboat, the Keke Rosberg, received the order to open fire on the first Chinese ship they saw. They soon caught sight of the Yokosuke Princess, a cruise ship that had drifted dangerously off course, and inadvertently launched a war between Finland and Japan.
The comment reached the tabloids in Finland, where it was promptly forgotten. Or it would have been, had it not been for Finland's Prime Minister, Jaarvi Sunilalalalalala. Sunilalalalalala, a former circus fire eater who had mistakenly served in Parliament after a man with the same name had been elected, was determined to distract the nation from the rampant corruption that had brought Finland to a standstill since he had taken office three weeks earlier.
Before a confused Parliament, the Prime Minister declared Chan's comment an outrage and an affront to Finnish virility. He demanded an immediate apology from the Chinese government, and received one. Sunilalalalalala threw the Chinese telegram to the floor of Parliament, called the apology, "half-hearted, and filled with misspellings," and called for war with China. Despite being shouted down, he declared that troops were already on their way. He refused to be swayed by those who pointed out that Chan's home of Hong Kong belonged to the British.
In the Arctic Ocean, a Finnish tugboat, the Keke Rosberg, received the order to open fire on the first Chinese ship they saw. They soon caught sight of the Yokosuke Princess, a cruise ship that had drifted dangerously off course, and inadvertently launched a war between Finland and Japan.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
World War III--$8.00 a Bucket Explained
At the first 1988 U.S. Presidential debate, Independent candidate Orville Reddenbacher solidified his lead in the polls when he stripped to his waist, beat his chest, and bellowed to his opponents, "Just try and take me, bitches!!" Bush and Dukakis were left speechless.
That performance, coupled with Cathy Rigby's headstand at the Vice-Presidential debate, led to a firm popular vote majority for the Reddenbacher-Rigby ticket in the November elections. However, he fell just short of a majority in the Electoral College, throwing the election to the House of Representatives. At first, California seemed ready to tip the election to Dukakis, until Reddenbacher worked out a complicated deal involving free popcorn for theaters with the Hollywood film industry. With California's support, Reddenbacher eked out a slim victory.
On January 20, 1989, Reddenbacher was sworn in as America's 41st President. In his inaugural address, the new President, between sobs for some reason, screamed that he "can lick any bastard on the face of the earth!"
Two days later, the world was plunged into war.
That performance, coupled with Cathy Rigby's headstand at the Vice-Presidential debate, led to a firm popular vote majority for the Reddenbacher-Rigby ticket in the November elections. However, he fell just short of a majority in the Electoral College, throwing the election to the House of Representatives. At first, California seemed ready to tip the election to Dukakis, until Reddenbacher worked out a complicated deal involving free popcorn for theaters with the Hollywood film industry. With California's support, Reddenbacher eked out a slim victory.
On January 20, 1989, Reddenbacher was sworn in as America's 41st President. In his inaugural address, the new President, between sobs for some reason, screamed that he "can lick any bastard on the face of the earth!"
Two days later, the world was plunged into war.
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