World War III--Buttering Up the Voters

As the United States Presidential Primary elections wound down in the late spring of 1988, many voters were restless. The Republican's initial enthusiasm for Vice-President George Bush had waned after a biting interview with CBS reporter Dan Rather left Bush whimpering and pleading for mercy. Despite calls to step down from the ticket, Bush brazenly declared, "I'm not a pussy! Really!" Few were convinced.

On the Democratic side, diminutive Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis lost support after declaring that he would not only refuse to imprison a gang of skinheads if they happened to gangrape his wife, he'd get them all coffee and cigarettes afterwards.

With so many faux pas committed by the two major candidates, the field seemed ripe for a third party candidate. An attempt was made to draft television star Ted Knight to run; however, Knight's death two years earlier made a run unlikely. The Who's bassist John Entwistle considered running, until he was reminded he was not eligible under the Constitution, or even remotely qualified to serve.

Soon, the third party efforts coalesced around one man. Popcorn magnate Orville Reddenbacher had been rumored as a candidate for years, in connection with both parties. His business acumen, sound judgement, experience in life or death decision making, and general machismo had made him a more than attractive candidatefor numerous state and national offices. Reddenbacher had refused all previous offers. "I want the Oval Office or nothing!" he had declared in one interview. In another, he had argued, "I don't want to be beholden to either party. I'm no one's bitch."

By early summer, polls had Reddenbacher at more than 40% should he run, ahead of the two major candidates. In June, the businessman announced, "I'll run if my company's sales double this month. Otherwise, forget it." By the end of the month, Reddenbacher sales had nearly tripled. Bolstered by this seeming outpouring of support, Reddenbacher formally announced his candidacy. He energized voters by declaring, "When the shit goes down, you better have someone in the White House who knows the feeling of seeing his hands awash in the blood of his enemies!" Spokesmen claimed Reddenbacher was misquoted, but his poll numbers continued to improve.

When it came time to select a running mate, Reddenbacher tried to deflect the issue. "I really don't want to share the stage with anyone. If I'd done that in business, I'd be dead now." However, one suggestion finally appealed to him. When he announced Cathy Rigby as his running mate, no one could have predicted that the fate of the world would one day rest on her tiny shoulders.